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but then we go, and we hit the wall.

last week…

i just want to write twenty more things about why this should be able to work and for some reason it’s not. i’d like to give you twenty reasons just to sit and listen to what i have to say. i wish i could get you to just speak and understand and comprehend the things that are happening right now. my body aches. my eyes are swollen. my chest hurt. my stomach is empty. and i still want it, too. 

the tables turned and we both knew it would happen. there’s only so much a person can take in situations like this. i feel like i’m standing on thin ice. i won’t lie. i know i tried to blame it all on you and your issues that i didn’t like. but it was me. i was terrified. i knew it was real. but i went searching else where for confirmation rather than just asking you. i knew what i was doing when it happened. i regret it. because it’s made this happen. and now i can’t have you back. 

you won’t even be seeing or reading this maybe. i haven’t decided if i will make it public or not. i’ll have to change some things. but no one compares to you. nobody can make me smile like you. i miss you. you miss me laying on your chest. you miss me wrapped up in your legs. you miss me on top of you. you miss my blonde hair in your face. you miss me stealing your boxers and shirts. you miss our car rides with ginny. 

i miss your uncomfortable bed. i miss your dad talking to us about life. i miss the way you smell. i miss your perfect complexion. i miss our showers together. i miss your arms around me at night. i miss the music you play in your room. i miss the face you make right when you see me for the first time that day. i miss ginny trying to separate us in bed. i miss everything. 

a week later…

“do you think they really have a thing?”

“i’m not worried about it, nah. if so, i don’t think i even want to know.”

“just don’t think you’re not gonna get hurt. just make sure ya’ll are still cool and don’t burn any bridges.”

“i’m not worried about that either.”

i’m not planning on burning anything. now i’ve hidden some things, but i sure as hell haven’t burnt them. i’m worried, yeah, but i feel like this is the strongest i’ve ever been since this began. it’s like i don’t wake up worrying about “ifs” if i already know there won’t be any to begin with. not to say i’m still not hurt. i am. but i’m calm and being patient. haven’t decided on my expectations though. but that doesn’t mean i’m over it. because i’m not. 

“in your atmosphere” came on in the studio today during class. i may have gotten goosebumps. i may not be able to feel you. but i know you’re still around. maybe it’s because i haven’t gone anywhere. so, yeah i could be just feeling the weight of what’s happening and thinking otherwise of it. i could see us on the floor sitting there face to face. you listening to me.

i don’t think much of failure. i think you know that. i guess that’s why i haven’t given up yet. i guess the ink on my side is another reminder. but there’s other reminders all over the fucking place. you wonder why i don’t listen to the radio. 

we’ve gone from people envying our relationship to people being completely and utterly confused about what’s going on. granted, they’re only seeing it from an awkward angle. i don’t even know what angle i’m looking at it from. i feel like i’m strung upside-down by my ankles trying to keep blood from rushing to my head all while trying to piece things together inside it. tell me how the fuck that’s supposed to happen. so i’m choosing to be quiet and bide my time doing things i need to do to improve. 

your roomie texted me last night, too. i wondered if you put him up to it. but i didn’t mention it to him. tried not to mention you at all until he did. 

“you still really like him don’t you…” 
no, pretty sure it’s not a “like.” i’m not in middle school.
“yeah i mean, i love him.”

“…yeah, he likes her.”

not sure what that means.  i’m not letting it bother me though. i just feel something else has changed and i can’t figure it out. don’t know if i will ever be able to feel you out again. study you from miles away and know what you’re thinking. that’s what worries me. if i’m willing to give it time though, it’s clearly worth something to me. 

time. time heals. but, time also dissolves. which will happen first? 

So go and drift away from me
Adopt some new philosophy
That doesn’t hold the two of us in mind
Move into someone else’s place
Stare into some other’s eyes
But slowly only come to realize
That you didn’t need another kind of green to know
I’m on the right side
You’re on the right side
I’m on the right side with you
Don’t need to lose it to know that you had it good

05.30.12 0
Zoom iainmacarthur:

owl in flight
ink (2012)
by Iain Macarthur

iainmacarthur:

owl in flight

ink (2012)

by Iain Macarthur

05.29.12 44853
“you know why i like you?”

countless times in bed next to you i’ve turned over and said just that. typically in a funny accent. these are a few more things i figured i’d let you know about. 

1. the shade of blue that your eyes always turn when you’re happy and staring at me.  i always wonder if anyone else has noticed what a beautiful color they are.

2. we love the same music, 90% of the time. the other 10% of everything i like to hear you’re usually willing to sit and listen anyways without bitching about it. and you don’t mind me singing it. maybe some dancing too.

3. you’re brave. the only thing i’ve picked up on that you’re seriously afraid of is losing me and maybe my driving. and i would have to admit the same. 

4. you love anchorman more than i do. and that’s hard to do. you also know the way to my heart is quoting ron burgundy. we’re both just good at quoting movies in general. i’m sure we annoy people.

5. you let me be myself around you all day, everyday. you’ll let me stay mad when i just don’t feel like being happy at the moment.  

6. you love my dog as much as i do, despite how many times she shit on your floor while i was trying to train her over the summer. and you let her sleep on your pillows. that’s why she calls you dad. 

7. you don’t get annoyed with all my ridiculous accents that just flow straight out of my mouth at the most random times. and the fact that you’ve picked up on and can distinguish every one of them makes me laugh. 

8. you believe in me. there have been countless numbers of things i have not wanted to do and just a simple “it’s going to be ok, babe” seems to calm my nerves.  you push me, encourage me and remind me daily to continue on until i see you again. 

9. after no matter how many times i’ve criticized your omelets you’re still willing to make me breakfast when we are home together. and when we cooked it together recently i honestly thought it was precious. just another little thing i’ll never forget.  

10. your arms. your back. your shoulders. 

11. the way we get all sentimental about each other and all the serious shit comes out when we’re fucked up together. we’re always on the same level.

12. we share the same tight circle of friends. they’re our brothers and our best friends. we couldn’t live without them even if we tried. and i don’t think they would want to either. and they actually enjoy the fact that we are together and happy and support us through everything.

13. you’re smart. you deal with a lot on your plate. you have a good hold and balance on your school work, fraternity obligations and social life. you really impress me a lot. no matter how stressed you tell me you are i know that you have the ability to stay calm without me telling you to. 

14. you know that even though you’re almost 400 miles away, no one will ever be able to hold a candle to you. you don’t get very jealous and you trust me. what we’re doing is hard and i know in the beginning a lot of people doubted us. i’m glad we have been able to prove them wrong. 

15. our parents. my dad likes you. that takes a lot. no dad wants his daughter dating. ever. your dad has always been wonderful to me. your mother likes me and my mom has been calling you her son in law for a while now. i honestly think they saw what was coming before we did.

16. you let me help groom you. and i think it’s hilarious. i guess you enjoy it because that’s just “one less thang” you have to do for yourself. 

17.  everyday you tell i’m beautiful, i’m pretty and i’m gorgeous. every girl in the world wishes someone would remind them of that everyday just to get that extra boost of self esteem. i may brush it off sometimes or laugh but i appreciate it. and no matter how many times i say “no, i’m not” you tell me anyways. 

18. you want to give me nothing less than what you think i deserve when i will always ask for nothing. 

19. you’re my very best friend. i could never lie to you. i tell you everything. and i never feel judged by you. 

20. i’ve put you through a lot in the past six or so years. screaming, crying, defending, bitching, cooking, driving, fighting, drinking, disobeying, leaving. not once did you ever really completely cut off all contact with me. plenty of opportunities where you should have probably. it’s like you knew all along i’d come back to you one day. running. nothing scared you away. you knew i wanted it just as bad and i guess you figured one day i would actually let my guard down and let it happen. the only thing i’ve ever been afraid of with you is disappointing you. i want to be everything you chalk me up to be. i want you to count on me. i hope i’m doing a good job. i hope that you don’t go anywhere anytime soon. but after this long, i think we’ve got this whole situation on lockdown and have figured out more than a million little reasons why it will work. i’m happy. you’re everything i’d ever want in a man. 

12.05.11 0
Zoom surferdude182:

(by Ian Main)
09.27.11 8276
Zoom
09.15.11 35
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09.15.11 20
it was all yellow.

not everything can always go as planned. not everyone can make you happy. you can’t always keep yourself happy, or keep yourself from becoming sick or irritated of little things.  it’s worse than pulling heart strings. it’s like yanking them, until the threads eventually all become unraveled and just a big ball of messy fibers. i haven’t written in a long ass time. i’ve got creativity running out from my fingertips so fast i’m not 100% sure what i’m even talking about. i just know that i’m writing again for probably the first time since may. this is going to turn into a ramble.

i’ve decided i know where i want to go with my life. at least i know what direction i want to head with a few things. but that whole career thing after college? don’t fucking ask me. my math teacher was telling us today though that when the economy sucks like it does now, the best thing you can do it stay in school. delay your employment and get paid to be a student. sure. i can do that. but i have to come up with money first. i have to get into a grad and/or law school first. 

i want to get married. i want to have a happy life for a while and settle and make sure i can stay happy and keep him happy as well before i add any extra stress to my life. i.e. children. see but, i say that now. then i pretty much want to cry.

i’ve been crying a lot. he left, went back to school. so did i. but this is home for me. i don’t think that’s home for him, so our situations are a lot different. he wants to graduate and live in charlotte for the rest of his life. i don’t think i want to do that. i want to stay here. everything here is peaceful, there’s cool shit to look at. the people are friendly. the air is clean, the surrounding are beautiful and breath taking. i could live here forever. or at least as long as it keeps me sane. 

i think i’ve been crying a lot because a drunk heart speaks a sober mind. cliche. true though. i call him, crying. he calls me back, crying still.. i sit in the hall. i cry to my friends. i hate fucking fits. i get depressed. is this healthy for me? is this healthy for us? but i don’t think i would have it any other way. i don’t sleep, i should eat less. i should run more. i think it would take my mind off a lot of things. if i become obsessed with something else, i think an easy distraction and a quick run would give me something to do. less to stress about. i think my blood pressure would go down, as well as my stress levels. i would probably get less head and body aches. positive energy, flowing. just me and my feet and some music. 

i’ve made some new friends. i like them, they seem to like me. they make me laugh. i crack them up. we help each other. i needed that. i’ve become closer to my sisters than i ever thought i would. i’m proud to be a part of something bigger than me. i’m ready for a little sister. i want to be a mentor. i want to teach someone something. i miss my mom and my brother. rarely hear from my dad as he is consumed by baseball and that whole other side of his family. it’s upsetting to be honest. but i’m all about happiness. that’s what keeps him sane. 

i want it to snow. but i wish it would stay warm. i’m worried about my car in the snow. 2x4 can only do so much i think. i want to snowboard this winter. but i need funds to support that. 

i’m a dog person. i miss ginny. kaylie and i were looking at houses today and i felt like she was getting frustrated because of my one and only request. something pet friendly. i want my dog. if i can’t have him i want her. someone to cuddle with. make me smile. keep me simple company. someone to need me. i’m proud of myself for raising and training ginny so well. she’s a good dog. loyal, follows me. sleeps with me. listens, most of the time. stubborn, just like me. she is my dog. 

he’s drunk. surprise. it’s upsetting sometimes. i feel like it’s a substitute for me. that doesn’t make any sense. but i just want someone to hold me. that’s all he talks about. everyone gets annoyed with drunk people when they’re sober. what he does isn’t healthy i don’t think. i worry if he’s seriously smart about it. now i’ve got to thinking about her. i could kill her. i should leave it at that, and just stop typing before it gets going but we all know what’s next. 

she should stop. she should give up. she should leave him alone. she should come back to carolina and let him live his own life. she should quit stalking him. she should get out of his life before i handle her myself. she should just accept the fact they aren’t going to get married. she should get used to the fact i’m here now, and i have been around for a much longer time than she has. she knows i had him first. she just won’t admit it. i think i’m done with that. 

it really sucks that twitter only allows 140 characters per entry because i could say a lot on there. but i guess that’s what this is for and i should utilize it more when i have things to say. this gives me the opportunity to make thing private. but i don’t really like to be private. i’m an open person. everything i’ve said here isn’t anything that someone else doesn’t already know. 

it all started because i’m annoyed. he knows it to.

“i get it.”
“ok, fine. you get it. sorry.”

short and sweet. actually it was sour. i was rude. i should apologize but i know he’s already over it. unconditional. he’s posting song lyrics, besides wagon wheel, as his facebook status. that’s a new one. 

i decided today that i should take more pictures of my life. or at least record them. that’s why my daddy gave my that camera. i should seriously use it.

i keep staring at my phone.

why do some people have four names? unamerican. i’m such an insomniac. too quick witted sometimes. jump to conclusions and accusations easily that make me overly defensive. i should stop that. 

09.15.11 0
Zoom film-grain:

(by drifting_eggs)
05.17.11 3192
Artist: Adele
Song: Set Fire To The Rain
Album: 21
Plays: 0
audio
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
05.13.11 0
Zoom
05.13.11 274
my eyes hurt this morning.

my head hurts too, and the balls of my feet from being on my tip-toes. i got three hours of sleep and have been at work since 7:30. i will be here until 5:00. i don’t want to drink tonight, even though everyone else will. his bed is uncomfortable, and i’m still irritated about last night. not sure if this whole coffee in the morning to try and wake up and not eat for the rest of the day is doing me any good. the almased soy stuff i bought makes me want to throw up. my hair smells like cigarette smoke and i hate it. all the smoke is probably why my eyes and throat are bothering me. it seems that the only good thing about today…. is that i’m getting a puppy tomorrow.

05.13.11 0
i’m really, really proud of this paper.

American Media and the People’s Fascination with Serial Killers

            Contemporary and American pop culture have always been present as a major source of influences on our society.  We consume what we watch on television, and read in magazines and newspapers thoughtfully and assume most to be true. After all, why would a company publish an article if it was not proven to be true?  People who are viewed as having “celebrity status” are all well known faces and names that come up frequently in our news.  The media is responsible usually for creating that celebrity’s status in society.  What really captures the attention of many Americans today though is the prevalence of violent crime.  Celebrities commit significant amounts of various misdemeanors and felonies, be both violent and nonviolent. We become intrigued by the stories we hear regularly on Showbiz Tonight and on the E! News Channel about the drug abuse and even more locally on your 5:00 news in the afternoon after work.  They tell us about who shot who, who killed who and who may still be on the run.  However, the changing and blurring line between gaining fame and becoming a celebrity seems to be more about those who are clearly visible to the world and are well known for what they have done rather than looking at and appreciating their talents and merited accomplishments.  Those who commit heinous crimes and become infamous for them are the ones who tend to grab more of our attention.  The social issue with America’s fascination with the serial killer has become a cultural phenomenon in today’s media world as we enjoy watching shows and movies and reading books about different notorious killers throughout time.  In some cases it seems that it may be easier to become famous by killing a number of people and getting a movie made about you instead of working hard to get signed by a record company.  Humans have a natural attraction that is fueled by fear and our curiosity in mysteries about murderers that has forced its way into American pop culture in recent years. 

            People have always looked at violence as almost a sick source of entertainment in a way as they are always interested in what is going on and what has happened.  When something happens on the street and the police come and rope off the scene with caution tape there is always a crowd that flocks to that crime scene.  Although the feasible reaction is to be disgusted at the sight of a dead body or body parts, there is some level of fascination and curiosity that is seen during this collective gathering.  Mark Seltzer describes this act as a part of the “wound culture” explaining that humans always are intrigued by crime and disobedience which in turn brings the media into play here (Schmid, 5).  The media portrays the murderer(s) as a sort of superstar of this culture.  Even if the killer is anonymous or reaches fame after conviction and becomes a post mortem celebrity.  With serial killers, the thought and possibility of rhetorical messages within the killings leads to a sort of ideology and adoption of this crime into a shocking societal norm. Beginning with the flocking crowd and law enforcement, following through with media representation, then moving on to the attention of politicians, film makers, and social and cultural critics a portion of society gains serious interest in serial killers.  As word spreads to the masses as the killings continue a wider variety of people may gain a potential interest in what is happening and begin to follow the stories presented by the media.  Thus, further increasing the killer’s celebrity status as this does not essentially happen by chance the people’s interest in the crime is not limited to repulsive reactions, condemnation, and disgust and ironically in some cases admiration.  Either way, people’s attraction to what the serial killer’s emblematic acts are conveying there is always someone paying great attention to the murderer’s stories. 

            A serial killer’s ability to become a celebrity of sorts all depends on the mediums available and their ability to use them to their own advantage, regardless of initial motivation. The changing nature of fame due to developing and prevalent use of technologies is very much conducive to making celebrities out of many social groups including serial killers. The expansion of different mediums like mass printing, photography, the internet, and streaming online news video has made it easier for such criminals to have the opportunity to get the entire country’s attention and become an infamous and terrifying public figure.  This created a distinction between “good” and “bad” celebrities and their claim to fame while also putting emphasis on what was made visible to the public.  This backs up the claim that celebrities today are more or less those who are seen and spoken of rather than realizing they are famous for their merit.  In some cases this can also guarantee amounts of power given to the celebrity.  As the media feeds the people’s fascination giving greater attention to those who murder in masses provides the killer with a certainty of fame and can potentially promote their renown and actions.  This feeling can even possibly increase even more so after the suspect is captured and tried in court. You may ask though, why are so many American’s obsessive and willing to follow such gruesome cases in this strange aspect of culture that has been created to make a celebrity out of an immoral character that kills for sport? Where does this arousal and need for this type of celebrity come from?
            The reality and public realization of death as a part of life has been exploited through growing technologies and media since the nineteenth century.  Improvements in health care and sophistication in funeral homes and funeral services has made death a more socially acceptable thing.  Death is linked to many social anxieties but as it becomes more relevant as a part of human life through media exposure it becomes less of a pressing issue for some.  Media such as newspapers contribute to this in publishing obituaries and news broadcasts present deaths in society to us on a daily basis.  However, natural anxieties and stresses over death still exist and can be limited to how we as a society decide to deal with it as the media presents it to us.  Watching our favorite movie star perform violent acts on television and in film can satisfy a human need to express negative emotions and models for evil personalities because having a dark side attached to your personality, and sometimes enjoying it, are natural.  Seeing celebrities represent death in such ways attracts our attention and arouses us as a source of media and entertainment.  Many still wonder though how can we be so terrified of serial killers but so attracted and allured by them at the same time.

            The question is answered by Eric Deitrich and Tara Fox Hall in Serial Killers: Philosophy for Everyone explaining that “serial killers show up in art because they show up in real life” (Dietrich, Fox, 94). The media creates an alluring and artistic social construct that we enjoy. Another answer to the question of our arousal to serial killers can be described as “what is actually alluring is the idea of the serial killer, but only when that idea is contemplated from a certain, specific, safe frame that allows both the positive and negative emotions associated with serial killers to be experienced at the same time” (Dietrich, Fox, 94). The ideas and concepts that the film and entertainment industry provides to partner with our fascination of serial killers is only useful when one knows that they are fictional and are safe from the hands of the killer. 

The Showtime television series Dexter is based off books written by Jeff Lindsay. The show depicts Dexter Morgan, played by Michael C. Hall, who works as a forensic blood spatter analyst in the Miami Metro Police department. On his own time Dexter is a serial killer who kills other serial killers in an act that can be described as a vigilante. In the book Natural Born Celebrities by David Schmid he describes a character known as a heroic criminal (Schmid, 19).  Dexter is just that.  If we were to rely on our basic moral intuitions we would naturally condemn Dexter because he is still in fact a serial killer. In Serial Killers: Philosophy for Everyone there are multiple chapters dedicated to the analysis and morality of Dexter Morgan. To give more background on Dexter’s character he witnessed the brutal slaughter of his mother when he was just three years old which in turn developed a “dark passenger” he has carried with him throughout his life. Having been given this dark and twisted mindset Dexter possesses the need to kill.  Having been adopted by an honest cop that worked for the Miami Police, Harry Morgan, he was taught how to steer his urges into an acceptable force that would satisfy his needs to hunt, stalk and kill his prey.  Harry Morgan taught his son a code of ethics essentially that gave him guidelines on who he can kill and limitations that provided good reason for him to kill a person.  Dexter kills those who have escaped the justice system and ultimately deserve to die for what they have done to others while leaving absolutely no traces of evidence, no witnesses and no body to be found.  As terrifying and socially distraught as he may seem Dexter is a family oriented man who eventually marries and has children of his own eventually making him out to be a normal human being with feelings that he actually denounces of himself in the first two seasons of the show. Some may be confused as to whether or not to view Dexter Morgan as a hero or murderous villain because we originally thought that our basic ideas about human nature, good and evil, and people’s role in society had a solid foundation. Then we meet Dexter who is a cold-blooded killer, but his murders help save and avenge innocent lives and viewers are forced to question his morality and his position in this sort of gray area he is standing in as a member of society.  Dexter is associated with the ethical approach of utilitarianism which describes the act of bringing about the greatest good for the greatest number of people.

During the show we are placed directly inside Dexter’s darkly oriented mind as he narrates every action, thought and feeling provoked in him, if he feels anything at all. Naturally, morality would call for the serial killer who is villainous to be caught, but we sympathize with Dexter’s character making the series all the more interesting and mind gripping. But by rooting for Dexter’s success and vengeance among the greater evils in his surrounding society we see ourselves on the good side of the good versus evil spectrum at hand. The viewer recognizes him as a superhero of sorts but he still kills people because he feels the absolute needs to, then chops them up into pieces, places them in trash bags, throws them into the ocean and collects blood samples on glass slides from each of his victims sliced cheek to save as tiny trophies.  Despite all he stands for Dexter is still an evil being to the core.  The writers of the show do an exemplary job of evoking conflicting feelings within the viewers throughout every episode.  The problem being that we realize Dexter Morgan is severely abnormal, a self-proclaimed psychopath and a monster inside but the audience still cannot help but to identify with him in one way or another. 

One of the most pressing issues on the show is that Dexter must destroy the only people that he would ever be able to socially connect with since he lacks such skills and has to fake them to be accepted and remain unsuspicious.  He creates an alter ego outside himself that allows him to pretend to be a part of something bigger in society when really he is all alone.  The role he takes on is not just an inconvenience or a joke but an absolute denial of his own self.  By following the code that his father, Harry, taught him to implement Dexter kills his long lost biological brother in the first season of the show.  Dexter was not even aware of his existence in that the repressed memory of his mother’s death was not revealed until he met his brother, Brian.  The traumatic experience the two boys watched together as their mother was murdered by a chain saw in a cargo container sent both boys to extreme ends of the evil spectrum as they both became serial killers as a result.  Essentially they both killed in the same way, chopping up bodies just as their mother had been.  Dexter’s longing for social acceptance and sometimes the urge to just shout out “I’M A SERIAL KILLER!” is completely abolished when he kills his brother who is really the only person on the planet who could see, accept and love Dexter for who he truly is.  But to follow through with the code Harry taught Dexter he must eliminate his brother because he brother killed without reason.

When viewing Dexter’s murderous ways of living life as a psychological issue, we can relate the acts back to that of Sigmund Freud when discussing human nature and the development of civilized society.  “Human life involves a conflict between the id and the superego. The id refers to our basic urges – an amoral, insatiable, egocentric drive for self gratification. This drive is a fundamental part of our nature that cannot be eliminated, must be restrained, or individuals would be out of control and civilization would be impossible” (Amper, 110).  When thinking about it in depth Freud’s concept actually makes sense in looking at the mind and uncontrollable urges to kill that many serial killers develop over many years.  Dexter just happens to be an acceptable, enjoyable and entertaining example.  The show has won two Golden Globes, won 26 other various awards for the picture, and been nominated another 89 times.

Stepping further into the media’s fascination and sometimes glorification of serial killers, the movie industry has produced several films inspired by closely represented real life situations and heinous crimes in recent years.  Examples include the films Phone Booth that tells the story of an ordinary pedestrian who randomly answers a public payphone in Times Square. He is told over the phone by a sniper on the other end of the line that he will be shot if he hangs up.  This movie was released in 2002 by Twentieth Century Fox but was delayed at first because the date was too close to the chaos ensued in Washington D.C. by the sniper that terrorized the city.  Paramount Pictures pulled ads for their movie Body Parts a few days after Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested due to close nature and graphic depiction of similar crimes committed by Dahmer.  The company denied any resemblance and reference to the murderer however, but still acknowledged the fact that the timing of the film was inappropriate.  NBC was about to broadcast a new TV movie thriller called A Stranger in the House that involved a psychopathic killer of sorority sister’s just days after the gruesome murder of a few Chi Omegas from Florida State University by Ted Bundy in 1978.  Jane Caputi wrote that moments like these were “slips of the societal tongue… moments of brief but unintended clarity” where we get a glimpse of how the “acceptable” ways in which American culture expresses its fascination with  murder might be implicated with unacceptable actual incidents of murder (Schmid, 22).  But still the media persists in presenting the acts of serial killers as a social spectacle.  Probably the most quintessential example of how the film industry makes murder in film something exciting to watch involves Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter and his exceptional and award winning performance in The Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal Lecter is a cannibalistic serial killer that not only kills his victims in great numbers but enjoys eating them.  The film essentially created a cult around Lecter’s character that has since continued to grow as sequels to the film and books were made.  Hopkin’s performance as the infamous, calm minded and gruesome cannibal gained him much respect in the Academy as well as praise that can “reasonably be taken as relatively unguarded expressions of fascination with and admiration of Lecter himself, who was recently voted the top movie villain of all time in an Internet poll” (Schmid, 23).  The film won Oscars in all the major categories in 1992 including that of best adapted screenplay, best director, best actor, best actress and best film. 

Some newspaper and magazines in the 1990s were forced to lower their editorial standards to compete with the articles written in tabloid magazines such as The National Enquirer. These magazines included raw and graphic articles about “murder of the month,” “trial of the year,” and the most frightening and detailed stories they could find relating to murderers and serial killers as the fascination rose higher and higher over the decade.  In this, media tends to over report violent crimes in the news.  We see this in our everyday lives as we watch depressing stories about who was killed in cold blood in our community today and how the murderer has yet to be caught.  The daily news is overrun by “bad news” more often than “good news” because for many reasons humans enjoy hearing about bad things that continue to happen.  However, murders only make up a small fraction of crime reports in the United States.  The competitive nature in all media calls for the searching, investigating and reporting of the most gruesome, bizarre and intriguing crimes in order to grab the attention of American viewers and raise each station’s ratings.  This turns our attention though to the topic of an existing social problem.  The media seems to enjoy terrifying its viewers with the reporting of such heinous crimes. 

The media has also developed the habit, or technique possibly, of giving a name or face to a virtually nameless suspect in serial killers and mysterious predators nationwide.  A great example of this also resorts back to the Showtime television series Dexter. Throughout each season Dexter fights, competes with and hunts down a different villain.  Such names provided to the criminal he and the Miami police are searching for include “The Ice Truck Killer,” “The Trinity Killer,” and “The Skinner.” All these names were given to the murderers in relevance to the way they selected and killed their victims.  Real serial killers have been dubbed names such “The Black Widow” given to Lydia Trueblood whom, just as the female spider is known to kill their mates, killed five of her six husbands. Nicknames given to people can suggest much about a person’s character and personality.  It can give you insight to what a person is about, what they are interested and even what kind of life they lead.  There is something about these deeply personal identifiers that appeals to us, brings us clarity, and in labeling someone we are able to assert who they are (Zirngibil, 167).  These quick descriptions communicate and host enough information about the person and usually correct information regarding them and their lifestyle is condensed into a single term making them that much easier to identify in the media. 

Some famous serial killers are believed and recognized as being so notorious in that most are typically male and their target victims are women.  Jane Caputi recognizes these facts and relates the patterns of such killers to “mythic, archetypal figures” (Schmid, 4) and indicates that patriarchal culture has enriched and enshrined the appearance of many serial killers.  Murderers like the legendary Jack the Ripper are modernized to date with terrorizing women, empowering men, and inspiring them to sometimes even emulate his actions.  Jack the Ripper was known for killing and mutilating prostitutes throughout England in the late 1800s.  The movie From Hell was released in 2001 starring such massive stars as Johnny Depp and Heather Graham. The film offers an inside look into the Masonic mindset of Victorian aged Englishmen and how misogyny was much of the reason and motivation in the Ripper’s killing of female prostitutes.  Schmid, however, discusses the thoughts and ideas of the people in England during the time Jack the Ripper was operating about how many believed that the murderer could not have possibly been English but American, further involving Americans in the thrills surrounding serial killers.  More relevant and American serial killers who aimed their vicious crimes towards women include Ted Bundy and Christopher Bernard Wilder.  These men participate in a cultural movement and propagation of lethal misogyny.  Ted Bundy escaped from law enforcement several times and succeeded in killing an estimated 30 women from 1973 to 1978.  Christopher Wilder was an attractive and charming photographer who hunted young women in malls offering girls modeling jobs and photo shoots then kidnapping, sometimes raping and then murdering them.  But the consent and trusting attitudes of the women who are charmed by these dangerous men poses a question. How and why these young women were able to be so attracted and lured in by such monsters? We hear the stories and truly believed that these men should be able to be picked right out of a crowd when truly this is impossible. They are recognized as monsters because the notion that such an evil doing person could be even the slightest bit normal is absurd. The acts of serial sexual murders committed were unthinkable in eyes of the public when news came about as violent acts against women of all types easily make headline stories in America.  These men are given this unrecognizable social description by the media which in turn keeps them from getting caught in the long run because they are virtually impossible to identify at a glance.

The most surprising and strange thing about men like Bundy and others who killed numerous women is that when they are put on trial not only do they receive true and everlasting fame but they are always surrounded and admired by women who are still physically attracted to them.  Influences like this, even during the time span of the crimes themselves, many serial killers keep on because of the natural publicity they receive from America’s media. Many serial killers are well aware of their rising fame in America as they continue to terrorize society because they truly believe the people enjoy the stories.  David Berkowitz, better known as the “Son of Sam” commented after being arrested that “I had finally convinced myself that it was good to do, necessary to do it, and that the public wanted me to do it” (Schmid 23). Throughout Berkowitz’s killing spree he communicated with the New York Post who published letters he wrote about his serial killings.  Another murderer, Carl Panzram, was active from 1915 to 1929 killed more than 22 people. After being caught and jailed he proceeded to contact writer’s days before his execution and sending them various newspaper clippings, pictures and suggestions about what someone ought to write in a book about him.  Panzram is an example of how some serial killers go ahead and take initiative in identifying themselves as big celebrities.  Critics of the intense media coverage of serial killers claim that the sureness of media attention sends positive and affirming messages to killers.  Some serial killers desire celebrity status so much that exposure in the media is what actually motivates some to kill.
            An interesting case though of a famous, jailed, serial killer lobbying for more fame on his plate involves Jeffrey Dahmer.  Speculation arose about Dahmer, before he was murdered himself in prison in 1944, of whether or not he had actually been in contact with both publishers and movie studios about selling his story as many rumors had suggested.  Upon Jeffery Dahmer’s murder all ideas about any movie deal was stopped but, legal restrictions still would have prevented Dahmer from receiving any sort of revenue.  The money instead would have been distributed amongst the families of his victims.  After all the possibilities of any deal makings were halted some of the victim’s families explored alternate options to make money off Dahmer and his murders, perhaps in compensation for their loss.  It was proposed that they would auction off Dahmer’s property including random assortments of things such as his toothbrush, murder weapons like a saw and hammer, a 55 gallon vat he used to decompose the bodies and even the refrigerator where he stored the hearts of his murder victims.  Strangely enough, the families’ motives in suggesting auctioning off of any of these items were looked upon as being quite noble it seemed as if they had been consumed and were unable to avoid participating in what is called “fetishization and consumption of Dahmer’s drama by mass audiences” by Mark Pitazzo (Schmid 263). 

The logic in consumerism of “murderabilia” dominates many aspects of the American fascination and promotion in media of serial killers.  The selling and profiting from random artifacts belonging or relating to serial killers has become an entire industry in itself.  The point of fame for a killer is no longer whether something is determined as being ethical, but whether it sells or not.  Notoriety becomes a source of capital income, and can make itself a familiar name in a household.  Many would agree that creating an action figure doll of an infamous serial killer for children to play with would be tasteless, but David Johnson believes otherwise.  He has made action figures of Ted Bundy, Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer to name a few and he plans to make a suggestive model of Jack the Ripper. Serial Killer Central, or www.skcentral.com, offers many items made by serial killers themselves, including art, former known addresses of the killers, and even streaming videos of chilling testimonies made by the killers.  Other websites like www.supernaught.com offers up bricks that belonged to Jeffrey Dahmer’s apartment building for a price of $300, while locks of Charles Manson’s hair are also put up for sale for close to $1,000. Sale of “murderabilia” is only a fraction of what contributes to the fascination and defining integration of serial killers into American pop culture.  T-shirts, books, songs, television shows and even trading cards have brought about an even more keen interest in contemporary American society.  Still today many serial killers, dead or alive, are brought into the celebrity spotlight in their most egregious forms and glorified.  In 2003 John Walsh, the former host of America’s Most Wanted and man whose son had fallen victim to a heinous murder, brought about the issue of “murderabilia” on his daytime television program the John Walsh Show. In an unsuccessful attempt to look at and research both sides of the industry’s consumers and protestors, much attention was drawn to the serial killer’s victim’s families and how disturbed they were by the issue.  But the industry has even furthered American impulse to learn about serial killers and given an opportunity to become hands on with such artifacts, which is also a chilling situation to think about. 

The other issue about “murderabilia” is about those who purchase the items.  Who are these people, and why do they want to buy and have such items that essentially hold memories of pure evil acts of human nature and embrace them?  What are their morals?  Do they have any values pertaining to that of human life and could they eventually become psychopaths themselves? The question of the abnormality concerning such consumers isn’t too big of an issue according to Rick Stanton.  Stanton is one of the biggest collectors and dealers of “muderabilia” in the United States and he ensures people that the people who buy his items are average people who enjoying collecting historical artifacts as many Americans have made a habit of.  He regularly insists that an attitude of moral neutrality be directed towards the industry that serial killers, collectors and the media alike have all created into existence.

The social prominence of celebrity serial killers has seriously become a popular topic and social norm in America in recent years.  When the fame of notorious and evil minded serial killers is noted by a vast majority of population, it is typically denounced in lacking morals and is condemned.  This was prevalent in such media sources like John Walsh.  However, much of America applauds the popularity the media sets forth in glorifying serial killers and violent murderous acts in society. The imbrications in American pop culture surrounding serial killers and condemning such villains seems to be the most morally satisfying rhetorical answer to the problem.  The creation of movies, books, and television series that promote the idolization of such psychopaths as the works protagonists in some depictions and the obvious antagonists in others has effectively created almost a sense of worship and admiration for these characters.  The phenomenon baffles some and intimately intrigues others to conduct further research in why and how serial killers have become a major part of America’s history of these immoral celebrities whether they are still alive, have not been caught or are now in prison and like some, put to death.  These criminals have been accepted in accordance with other superstars in American culture that the media also loves to embrace.  Whether we can recognize the serial killers face or if they remain anonymous and are only called by a nickname concerning the details of their murderous work, American media has done an amazing job in exploiting violent crime and keeping the attraction to the classic American murder mystery alive. We as humans will always be willing to learn more about and focus on the havoc raised by the ever occurring phenomenon of serial killers.

04.27.11 0
Zoom theanimalblog:

taken by Tivoli Hendricks

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taken by Tivoli Hendricks

04.18.11 1100
wow, so it’s been a while.

like two weeks i think. i knew i wouldn’t keep up with this thing. a little reflection on the last couple weeks i guess. drew came and went. had two great weekends with him in a row. first weekend i got shitfaced. no surprise. basically a little unintentional payback for him passing out on me in morgantown. haha. :) had a week full of school work. he came back, and we went to formal. got to dress all snazzy. go all fucked up and had some fun that weekend. it was hard saying goodbye knowing i won’t be seeing him again until may. sucks, i miss him all the time. but my love for my PLGs (or, petite lap giraffes) has been keeping me laughing, happy and entertained to say the least. for whatever reason, i have begun to take ridiculous pictures of them doing real life things… yes, really. don’t ask i’m fucking bored and i think it’s hilarious.

anyways, i’m probably going to change my major from broadcasting to political science. i missed the dead line (by like a month unknowingly) to apply to enter to communications department here. well, that sucks even more balls because i have to declare SOMETHING before i can register for classes. oops. but, i’ve been thinking. if i want to go to law school, which i kind of do, i need to do something better than broadcasting and something i will be good at and enjoy doing. dad says i should just try and be a cowgirl like i wanted to do when i was little. if i could learn to rodeo that’d be a possibility. i’m just worried about broadcasting… i get the news faster on my droid than i do sitting around waiting until the 5:00 or 11:00 news to come on at night. i don’t know. and i’m pissed i have to decide what i want to do with  my life right now. i’m only twenty.

oh yeah, i turned twenty two weeks ago… forgot to mention that too i guess.
happy belated birthday to myself.

i also blocked fuckface the incredible ex (not sure why i just made him sound like a super hero… i guess because he is super douche) from just about everything. except facebook because i’m nosey… and i want him to see all my awesome pictures with my new hot boyfriend and how good we look together. ten times better than i ever did with him. (i know you’re smiling now drew.) ;) blocked him on skype, should block him from my phone but he doesn’t have the balls to text me any more now after i called him out on facebook. he proceeded to post the following:

“Trollop-A woman perceived as sexually disreputable or promiscuous. (sed best with a britsh accent) made my day better hearing this hahaha”

to which i replied with the following - (note his stupid, careless, uneducated spelling errors by the way)

“fuck-face (n): ex-boyfriends who think that facebook is so relevant that we need to make up urban dictionary entries and post them as a status. these entries are so weak and not part of normal speech that they end up with thousands of thumbs downs and result in better come backs from their former counterpart.”

witty. i know. after which i removed him from my newsfeed so i don’t have look at his pictures or stupid posts anymore.

anyways, again… i’ve been quite successful lately i assume. at least with school work. kind of. grades have been slumping because i’ve been stressed about stupid little shit, including the school work itself. i have a 20 page term paper, 2 book reports, a whole book to read, a major final art project to create and 20 hours of community service work to do by the end of this month. and summer is coming up quick and i need to start preparing myself for this. meaning in between all this ridiculous business i find myself stuck in, i need to find time to start running my ass off again. i want to get back to the body and weight i had last semester. no, i have not gained any weight really. i just want to feel good again. so kasey and i have been joking about me running 4 miles a day and not eating like i basically was from september to december last semester. and in lieu of all this i’m doing my art project on female body image and how it’s changed through out the years. yes, really. speak of the devil right? literally. this is for the same class that i go to monday and wednesdays for two hours each day and am either falling asleep or look famished and she goes “have you eaten yet today?” …”no.”

whatever, i’m no worried about it. thought about doing a vegetarian thing, my roomie is one and she gets along fine. but my hair would stop growing. can’t have that. and i couldn’t stand eating the same bland things over and over again. plus i don’t think that would help me lose any weight anyways. especially if i’m trying to build muscle. sucks… last semester i did an extra credit activity for my health class where i did an underwater weighing experiment that measures your body mass and body fat percentage. this was during my crazy spree of all this running and starving.. i measured in at 15% body fat. most women are 25-30% on average. would love to get back to that. haha, wouldn’t it be nice? i don’t even know how i did it. because then my health teach evaluated our diets in another project we did and yelled at me for what i was doing, so i decided to stop because it really wasn’t healthy i guess. i ran for the first time in a while yesterday and it wasn’t bad. i just need to keep going. i just hate looking at other people in the gym. i was running just chillin at 6.2 and i look down the line of treadmills to see this other girl sprinting her fucking ass off. when i got off a bit later she was STILL going and when i looked at her machine she was running at 8.7. fml. way to make me look bad, bitch. then i looked at her… fit as fuck. fml again.

me and my PLGs will try and be happy with me being the way i am. andrew says i’m “stunning” but i can pick out a million flaws. i guess we will see what happens with that and if i can find time to get back into a HEALTHY habit of exercise. i hope so. that would make me ten times happier. i should probably stop drinking too. alcohol has 7 calories per gram… so putting down a whole fifth of vodka on a friday night like i have the ability to do and have been doing isn’t helping any. i know i wasn’t drinking when i was working out anyways. so i should just stop till summer… but there is a half gallon in my freezer as we speak. ugh.. and about 7 PBRs. greaaaat. any ideas? let me know. because i’m not into dieting. i’ve tried the special k thing before and it worked i just don’t think it tastes good. cereal gets soggy too fast. but the granola bars are awesome. i wish i could live off granola. yeah. i might do that lol.

03.31.11 0
Artist: Lupe Fiasco
Song: Letting Go Ft. Sarah Green (Produced By The Future)
Album: Lasers
Plays: 0
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03.23.11 0